How to Tell If Your Teen Is on Drugs.

Society. (Sigh.) How did it get so rotten? Sure, when we were kids we'd steal the rivals' mascot, cut loose at the sock hop, and then crack open a frosty root beer and watch Charlie Chan 'til after ten, but it was all in the name of good, clean--and well--decent fun. It was not in the name of "just give me something to break, how about your f-ing face?" to quote the Limp Biscuits.
For a while, you can protect your yearlings from this so-called “infotainment,” but once they grow into teenagers and Satan slips them some of those infernal hormones on their first commute to junior college, why, there’s almost nothing you can do—they discover television; they discover how to escape through your house’s elaborate system of ingeniously locked steel doors, swim across the moat and hop over the razor wire fence. And then they discover pot. And soon thereafter, you get a call from the police and they've discovered them dead at the bottom of a gorge.
Most parents don’t realize their children are on drugs until they get that phone call and find them there. When they find them in a bloodied, mangled heap at the bottom of a gorge. If you don't want your child taking a toot on his magic stick, wandering off somewhere and falling down some gorge, but rather want him to live and someday possibly teach at the junior college, you should ask yourself the following “Yes” or “No” questions:

1. Has your teen ever been suspended from his junior college because a paper he wrote enraged school administrators? Did you then get a cold-call from a lawyer who offered to "take your case" on contingency if you'd let him represent you in a suit against the school board? Was all of that hullabaloo over a history paper written about how American colonialists, including Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, used to grow hemp to make rope, so it can’t be all bad? Did you ultimately lose the suit and a lot of your free time?

If “Yes,” he’s on drugs!

2. Has your teen ever purchased another person’s urine?

If “Yes,” she’s on drugs!

3. Have your once-adorable teen’s armpits suddenly sprouted hair and started to emit a pungent odor, seemingly overnight?

If “Yes,” he’s on drugs!

4. Have you ever accidentally opened the bathroom door on your teen while he was eliminating his stool? As if, perhaps, he meant to leave that door open?

That teen is on drugs!

5. Has your teenage son traded in the smart sailor outfit, knee-high socks and sandals you lovingly made for him for some wrinkled jeans and an Old Navy t-shirt?

He’s on drugs!

6. Has your teen ever attempted to speak with you in an overly informal tone? For example, if you are French, has he ever substituted the tu-form for the vous-form? Or, if you are American, have you ever caught him looking you in the eye during your daily lecture?

If “Yes,” your teen is on drugs!

7. When the Burbank Ladies' League drops in to "Ooh" and "Ahh" over your prize-winning gravy, has your teen ever refused to comb his hair?!

Drugs!

8. And when the gals ask him about school, how is he? Is he affable and generally well at ease?

If yes, he's trying to hide something--drugs!

9. Or, is his seeming politeness perhaps masking something? Something like a smart-alecky, maybe even a little fresh, secret thought?

That teen's probably in his bedroom "getting his load on" right now!

10. Do you ever smell incense burning in your teen’s bedroom?

If you ever smell incense anywhere in your house those alarm bells should start going off in your head. Loud, strident alarm bells. Alarm bells that scream, "That sneaky teen is up to something!" So quickly, quietly creep up to his bedroom, take a deep breath and knock down that locked door with your faithful sledgehammer. If the teen looks startled, like he's "surprised" by your entrance, take a look around. A good look. If you look long enough you might just find that lyin' beatnik’s reefer sticks before it's too late!

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, do not hesitate: Run to the telephone and dial the Narcotics Division of your local police station immediately. (To save yourself some time in the event of an emergency, keep that number on speed-dial so that it's always at your fingertips.) A few years of hard time should get your teen straightened out just fine and maybe even teach him a valuable trade, like cleaning up his bedroom for a change! Or public-speaking!

A Concerned Author's Note: Now, based on some of the mail I got about last month's column, I realize that many of you are not exactly Albert Einstein. I don't mean that as an insult; I know how it is--you don't have time to lallygag around on a bicycle, stick out your tongue, smoke a pipe and contemplate the finer points, you've got a pot roast in the oven! Anyway, I just wanted to make sure I was clear that these are examples, they are the main signs of drug use, but--there are many several thousands more. Shaggy hairstyles, bad posture, watching a basketball game when he should be doing his schoolwork, snacking between meals, and so on and so forth.