The Dream Analyst's Last Stand.

Dear Dr. Dream,
Last night—and I have dreams like this all the time—I dreamt that paratroopers broke into my little art studio and forced me to paint harder at gunpoint. It’s getting so that I’m scared to even try to go to sleep! Help!
Confused in Columbus

Dear Confused:
In this dream the paratroopers represent your boss and you represent yourself. The guns represent your boss’s passive aggression. I suggest ignoring all your boss’s “constructive criticism.” It might be hard at first, but in my experience, it’s the only way to get rid of the paratroopers. Unless you are prepared to fight them. But that could take years and years of dreaming about going through special forces training.
Dr. Dream

Dear Dr. Dream:
Last night, I had this dream where I was chased by an elephant and then all of a sudden I was falling from a cliff. That’s when I woke up. What could it mean?
The Elephant’s Quarry

Dear Quarry:
Were you ever chased by elephants in your childhood? If so, the dream might be symbolic of your childhood. If not, perhaps you were chased by someone who claimed to be an elephant? Or—and this would be most interesting given my current research—you are an elephant and were chased by another, larger elephant. In any case, get over it! You are a grown-up now and all the elephants have been stalked and killed by poachers! And it’s all your fault! That was a metaphor, in case there was any confusion..
Dr. Dream

Dear Dr. Dream:
Thanks for your great column! It truly is an inspiration! Now, normally I don’t dream, but when I do, it’s always the same thing: I’m at the wheel of a zamboni, smoothing the ice before a Toronto Maple Leafs game, and I keep going around and around in this big, endless circle. And “We Will Rock You” is playing on repeat. What gives?!
Tony Zamboni

Dear Mr. Zamboni:
I’m glad you find my column so un-superfluously important! You know, I’ve been doing this column for twelve years, so it’s always great to be reminded of how non-expendable it really is. After all, I’m certainly not doing it for the pay- if I were, I’d be Dr. Dumb instead of Dr. Dream. Because they barely pay me a cent! LOL! As for the zamboni, I have no idea. Have you tried jogging or changing your diet?
Fondly,
Dr. Dream

Dear Dr. Dream:
When I was a teenager, I used to have wet dreams all the time. I miss those dreams. How do I get them back?
Dry Dreams in Fergus Falls

Dear Dry Dreams:
Have you ever tried drinking until you’re convinced that you are Teddy Roosevelt? It’s really fun! Plus, it will take your mind off the wet dreams and make you feel really good about creating the national park system. And if your boss asks you if something’s wrong—why you’re always slurring your speech and breaking his coffee mugs—tell him your grandma died. If that doesn’t work, say you’re an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease, and I’ve found people are usually pretty understanding when they’re scared of what you might do if they fire you.
Dr. Dream

Dear Dr. Dream:
Last week, I wrote you about my dream where I’m sledding down Mt. Vesuvius in a toboggan that is disintegrating because of the lava. Remember? You told me it was probably a reflection of the problems you assumed I was having at home. Well, I left my girlfriend and moved into an extended stay motel, just to see if it would help. Nothing! What else could it be?
Vexed on Vesuvius

Dear Vexed:
You know, I could lie to you and say I had all the answers or that there’s a straight-forward “system” to my interpretations. But there’s not, because it’s an art. I’ve found that if I just sit in my cubical, drink vodka, and free-associate, the column seems to write itself. So, I don’t know what to say. But if it’s not your wife, maybe it’s you? Can you think of any way that you are significantly deficient as a human being? If so, try starting with that.
Dr. Dream

Dear Dr. Dream:
Is my obsession with dreams shallow? I mean, there’s all kinds of stuff, really horrible stuff, going on in Africa and the Middle East, let alone right here at home.
Wondering in Wichita

Dear Wondering:
I guess you’re asking if I think dream analysis is worth a damn. Ironic you should ask that, given popular sentiment amongst the staff at the very newspaper you now hold in your hands. Well, we medical professionals don’t know, and we may never know, but that doesn’t mean dreams aren’t worth a damn. What if dreams are our window into some kind of extra-dimension, Wondering? Well, for one thing that would sure show my boss! And my parents. It would show a lot of people. I would be a prophet. Maybe even a God.

Dear Dr. Dream:
Love the column! You totally deserve to keep it, since you are so insightful and professional. It takes a big man to realize when he is wrong, and I really wish your editor would understand that you need drinking to feel creative. Plus, he doesn’t seem to get how much losing you will hurt the paper’s circulation.
Anonymous
P.S. I love you, son. Even if your mother doesn't.

Don't ever write me again, Anonymous. I hate you and your whole fucking WASP morality!!!!
Dr. Dream
P.S. I am more of a success than you could ever be!!!

DR. DREAM'S DAILY FORECAST:
The current forecast for my future employment is based entirely on rumors circulating throughout the office. Unfortunately, what can I do? Van Gogh died without having sold a single painting! Emily Dickinson died an unknown spinster! The true visionaries are always persecuted! By the way, if you know any producers interested in a screenplay about how, in the future, scientists will learn about our hidden super-powers through dream analysis, contact me at once. There’s also an energy cell angle, like in the Matrix. The script—when I write it—will be way better than this column ever was, even though this column was an intellectual watershed. But, what if the last twelve years have been a dream and I’m about to wake up? Hey, I just had a new idea for a script! Dream on, Dreamers, Dr. Dream!