Oscar Wilde, Updated for Our Craazy Modern Age.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember that most people will resent you for it.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as she is physically perfect.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, unless it is nervous laughter.

The books that the world calls immoral are perfectly legal in Germany.

Anyone who lives within his means obviously doesn’t have a credit card.

Arguments are to be avoided; especially with Puerto Rican women.

There are two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is thinking about why one wanted what one got.

Nowadays all the married men behave like bachelors, and all the bachelors like Ponce de Leon, but rather than looking for what ¾ of the British populace calls a fountain of youth and the seven literate Britons call Morality, they look instead for their pointy Helmets, which they mislaid at a Boxing Day party.

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is living on my couch without paying any of the fucking rent.

There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is zombies.

The pure and simple Truth is rarely pure, and never makes for a good A story.

After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even my stepfather. And I assure you, he was pretty overbearing.

As for the virtuous poor, one can pity them, but can one possibly be expected to give them one’s change?

It is better to have a permanent income than to be a freelance writer.

Anyone can make history; only the nerds will study it in any depth.

If one could teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, one would still have the North Korean atomic bomb to worry about.

To do nothing at all is the most difficult thing in the world. At least that is what the stars on E! want us to believe.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, so that they can get an IMF loan.

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of our watching of a shitty television sitcom.

An inordinate passion for pleasure leads to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Nothing makes one so vain as being told one is a sinner. Especially if one has a barbed wire tattoo acquired at Spring Break ‘96.

To love one’s self is something that should not be done on public transportation.

We are all in the gutter, but we are not all Courtney Love.

A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, a woman who moralizes is sent to a land far, far away.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others do an Austin Powers impression.