Missed Connections

MATCHBOX EXPIRATION DATES: Telephone Matchboxes run in three consecutive issues. A Matchbox is removed from the system at 9am on the Wednesday “exp” date printed at the end of an ad.

ME: BLUSHING BRUNETTE in glasses and sweater staring out the window of speeding MTA bus. Saw you scouring the ground for loose change on Madison Avenue sidewalk. We did not share a glance, only a brief, blurred moment. Want to share another? Or two? I’ll be one waving.
4329833 (exp 10/11)

YOU: ATHLETIC-LOOKING librarian at Goodnow Library. Me: happy-go-lucky, middle-aged guy with big appetite for John Grisham. He’s the best! Just finished with messy separation. Sigh. Now looking for new lease on life! How about coffee? My treat! Have a hunch we’ll hit it off really well. Just make sure you don't ask me about my personal life. EVER.
4329829 (exp 10/11)

53RD AND 5TH, 11:21:33-11:21:42, 10/3. You were Pamela Anderson. I was the guy who asked for your autograph and commented, “You look even hotter in real life.” You wrote: “XOXO, Pam” on my “F.B.I.: Female Body Inspector” t-shirt. Can’t get those words out of my mind, think you might feel same. Coffee?
4329828 (exp 10/11)

PALE, WIRY GUY in living room, October 5th. You were watching football on our TV. Had no idea we were still roommates. Where have you been for the past three months? Did you beat WarCraft III yet? Wanna meet up sometime in the living room?
4596376 (exp 10/11)

YOU: MOIST, TENDER, scrumptious-looking, pink-frosted chocolate cupcake in window of Frizzoli’s Bakery on Mulberry Street, 10/1, AM. Me: Salt-and-Pepper Hair, stone-washed jeans, casually window-shopping. Just finished 164-step recovery program for baked-goods addiction, am so ready for relapse…
4329831 (exp 10/11)

MAN BROWSING AT the newsstand on 86th and Lexington last Wednesday, eightish. You: deep voice, facial hair, wide shoulders, narrow hips, prominent musculature. I am female, 100% genuine XX with full compliment of sexual characteristics (primary and secondary). I’ve got the 100% non-counterfeit papers to prove it. Testimonials from 100% medical professionals upon request.
4329837 (exp 10/11)

I AM BOTH blind and deaf, so have had to develop a keenly sensitive sense of smell. You were the lady wearing Chanel Number 5, a gingham dress made in a pungent Malaysian sweatshop, and Kiwi-polished leather penny-loafers, near a hotdog cart, Chinese restaurant, and pool of human urine on October 2nd.. You definitely smell like a winner. Let’s just say I reek of prosperity and brill cream…but aren’t they really one and the same? Well, I guess you’ll have to find out, the hard way…or we could just get coffee.
4329840 (exp 10/11)

ME: RALPH HARRISON. You: Cheryl, my ex-wife. Caught several sweet glimpses of you at your new home in the desolate Icelandic tundra. Just passing through. It's been so long since you filed that restraining order. By the way, did you know the Icelandic police are trained in judo? Me neither. On a related note, please forward bail.
4329835 (exp 10/11)

ME: COFFEE PLANTATION worker. You: blue-eyed blonde loitering outside Café Buzz. Wanna get coffee sometime? I’ve never tried coffee before, which is kinda weird, huh? I’ve spent my entire life harvesting coffee. If you can imagine, it's given me some pretty bad associations. Have been waiting for the right person to take the plunge with. Are you the one?
4871757 (exp 10/11)

YOU: FAT MAN always hanging around Frizzoli’s Bakery. Me: Scarlata Frizzoli, owner of Frizzoli’s Bakery. You: scaring me. If you want to buy something, fine, but don’t lurk at the corner of the window. I can tell it’s you, even if you’re wearing the scuba gear.
4329838 (exp 10/11)