Lee Tyler's Exclusive College Rankings.

The author engaged in research at his office.

Believe me, it’s difficult to come up with new exclusive college rankings these days. U.S. News and World Report has its exclusive rankings, the folks at Time have theirs—so many people have exclusive rankings, in fact, that one might expect there isn’t much room left to rank colleges based on exclusive criteria. But if one were to expect that, one would be a fool. In fact, I’ve found that with a little imagination the number of things one can be exclusive about is practically infinite. So without further ado, here is an excerpt from my upcoming college admissions handbook, So You’re Entering the Rat Race. As you can see, I rate the things people really care about.

Largest Number of Closeted Homosexuals
1. West Virginia University
“There are no homosexuals at WVU,” one male administrator at WVU vehemently argues (on pastel stationary). “Fine, no one really dates that seriously and everyone’s a little high-strung, but in no way does that imply that everyone is a closeted homosexual.” Town residents have a different take: “They’re gay alright, they’re about as gay as it comes…Of course, they’ll never admit it, but I know what gay is and trust me that’s about as gay as it gets.” “Pamela Anderson is such a bitch. I love her!…I mean, Pamela Anderson is so beautiful. Her breasts are so large,” commented one student, a little too zealously to be believed.

Most Fair and Balanced Alumni Magazine
1. Washington and Lee
Students come to Washington and Lee because they know that when they graduate, they will receive a life subscription to the “most fair and balanced alumni magazine around." “I have a friend, a Yale man,” says Dick Cheroot ’35. “He was reading the Yale Alumni Magazine one day, when he saw his freshman roommate’s name in the obituary column. So he called his friend’s family to offer his condolences. Long story short, his friend answers the phone and asks him over for a weekend of quail baiting. I am overjoyed to say that that sort of thing would never happen to me because the Washington and Lee Alumni Magazine never invents sensational stories about anyone’s death.” One senior put it this way: “Washington and Lee itself sucks—I’ve hated every minute of it, everyone hates it—but I’m pretty sure that the Washington and Lee Alumni Magazine subscription will be very meaningful and fun. They’re pretty good about getting all points of view on an issue, be it a reunion or a lambasting of soup kitchen liberals.”

Most Sarcastic Students
1. University of Pennsylvania
“Oh, I love it here,” one Pennie says of the University of Pennsylvania. “It’s so great. I mean, everyone is so nice to everyone else, and the teachers really seem to care about you, and there’s no horrible sewer leaks at all. I’m so glad that a university with a billion dollar endowment knows how important it is to get rid of the sewage leaks. It smells like a million buck out here. Yeah, the UPenn sewage leak problem is really under control.”

Cleanest Rooftops
1. Smith College
Though Smith’s academic environment “leaves something to be desired” and the social scene is “practically non-existent,” nearly everyone on campus agrees that “the rooftops of the buildings are the cleanest of any college campus.” “I don’t see what the big deal is,” admits one freshman. “They don’t even seem that clean to me, not that you would ever want to spend any time up there, considering the rooftops are precipitously steep.” But a majority of Smithies disagree: “Trust me, the rooftops are all that and a bag of chips, and I don’t even know what that means. They’re incredible. I’ve never been up there myself, but you always hear the most amazing stories about their cleanliness.”

Largest Percentage of Students Who Use Latin Phrases To Sound Smarter Than They Actually Are
1. Yale
“Yale is the ne plus ultra of schools. Ipso facto, latin is the lingua franca. Note bene, res ipsa loquitur.” Sound like a quote by a markedly senile William F. Buckley? Well, it is! And it's just one Yalie's explanation of why Latin-dropping is so popular amongst Yalies. While many Yalies find that all this Latin makes them sound smarter than they actually are, it’s not magnum bonum for for everyone all the time: “The major quid pro quo of going to school with all these people who, like myself, use Latin phrases ad nauseum, is that I go to school with a lot of people, who like me, are extremely obnoxious...uhh...et cetera.”

Largest Collection of Human Remains
1. University of Mississippi
Most people can’t brag that their college “has the most human remains of any college in the world,” but students at Ole Miss have that distinct privilege. Sound strange? Students admit that their school isn’t for everyone, but for those who feel that enormous piles of lightly concealed human remains add atmosphere, there’s no better place to call home. And students assure us that if you’re looking for human remains, you don’t have to look very far because they are stuffed away in every nook and cranny! “Ole Miss is the best seven years of your life, if you like the idea of grounds chock full of people! Otherwise, it’s probably hell!”

Best Penmanship
1. Swarthmore College
I was impressed, and that sort of thing doesn’t normally impress me.

Largest Number of People Who Refused to Fill Out A Survey For My Exclusive College Rankings List
1. Providence College
Though no one was available for comment, and I’m lost without quotations, Providence College certainly has a right to boast that it has the “largest number of people who refused to fill out a survey for my exclusive college rankings list.” To be exact, no one responded. Congratulations to Providence College! Keep up the good work!